The Sun Also Rises Top 10

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Want to Be Jake

10. I can go to town about being a war hero and veteran
9. I can spend my days dreaming about Brett and what could have been.
8. I get to drink all the booze I want
7. I enjoy wallowing in self pity
6. Impotency rocks
5. I get to laugh at all the men Brett leaves, and rub their faces in it
4. I have an excuse to do nothing all day and hang at coffee shops
3. My moody expression can be excused as I am a writer thinking about my next novel
2 I get to be the hero and protagonist in Hemingway’s novel

And the number one reason I want to be Jake is…
1. Think of all the money I get to save by not having to date women. *

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Want to Be Brett

10. I am so desirable to men
9. It really boosts my ego to see men fighting over me
8. I never have to pay for a drink
7. I love repeating my words in every sentence like “hell”
6. I have a puppy dog like Jake who shows up hen I snap my fingers
5. I love using men and breaking their hearts
4. I get to collect men like trophies on my mantle piece
3. I get to be a diva
2. I have a title and get to called a Lady without behaving like one

And the number one reason I want to be Brett is…
1. I do not have to have a sex change operation to become this character.*

The Top Ten Reasons Why I want to Be Robert

10. I can beat up anyone I want
9. I get to cheat on Frances with Brett
8. I get to moon about the place with a loves struck heart broken dumb expression on my face
7. I love women ruling my lives and dumping me
6. I get to get drunk and pass out whenever I want
5. I can play the Jewish card whenever I want
4. I can turn my nose up and act bored during the bull fights
3. The novel starts with my name making me very important
2. When the writing fails I can become a professional boxer and show up that Romero

And the number one reason I want to be Robert is …

1. I get to be called two names Robert and Cohn to confuse people.*

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Want to Be Mike

10. I love Brett cheating on me with teenagers
9. I get to tell stories about my medals
8. I get to be a non literary not so clever chap
7. I can get tight and act badly whenever I want
6. I have creditors chasing me throwing me out of bars
5. I get to hate the English
4. I get to gamble to my hearts content and never pay people back
3. I can boast that I am Brett’s fiance
2. I get to be beaten up by a boxing champ and live to tell the tale

And the number one reason why I want to be Mike is….
1. I can tell all my friends I am bankrupt so they have to pay for my drinks

The Top Ten Reasons Why I want to be Montoya

10. I get to overcharge foreigners to stay in my hotel
9. I get to poke my nose in their business
8. I get to practice my English speaking to the group
7. I get a hotel named after me
6. I get to raise the price of drinks during the fiesta
5. So many people insisting on over drinking come to my hotel despite the hiked prices
4. I get to be in this book without having any important role
3. I am not a part of that pack of losers
2. I am the only sober who gets to stay sober

And the number one reason I want to be Montoya is…

1. I get to get rid of that motley crew when they leave and finally have some peace.*

The Top Ten Reasons Why I want to be Romero

10. I am so good looking and admired
9. I get to have a fling with Brett
8. All the crowds come to the ring to watch my skills in the bull fight
7. I can pretend I know little English and listen in on conversations
6. I get to wear tight costumes
5. My bull fighting skills come in handy when I need to use a skewer at a barbecue
4. I get to fight with Cohn and bulls all on the same day
3. People want to meet me and ask me questions
2. I am going to be rich and famous
And the number one reason why I want to be Romero is…

1. I am a teenager and never had any pimples.*

The Top Ten Reasons I Want to Be Bill

10. Brett will not break my heart
9. Get to go on a fishing trip with Jake
8. I get to jet off from the States, Paris, Vienna, Spain, Budapest
7. I can be so happy that I made a ton on my last book
6. I get to go to Loyola with Bishop Manning
5. I get to drink myself silly despite the Anti-Saloon League
4. Will not get into any fist fights
3. I get to dislike Cohn
2. I am the only one who gets to have a good time on this trip

And the number one reason I want to be Bill…

1. Being a taxidermist I can collect the dead bulls and stuff them.*

Dear Mind-Boggled in Cincinatti,

I empathize with you. I, too have been involved with a woman who I cannot let go of and whom I love and yet, I have learned how to fade into the background, as she moves from one failed fling to another. I cannot be with her though as I am impotent but, she keeps me hanging on to her as a crutch to pick up the pieces. I need to break this pattern of emotional blackmail and abuse and so must you and your lady.

When you have never been with someone on a day to day basis, it is so easy to romanticize about them as the perfect partner. Believe me, the woman you have strong feelings for is far from perfect. You just never have been able to see her warts and all No spell has been cast that cannot be broken. What you have for her and obviously she has for “ Rex” is an addiction. You are both junkies and being with the object of your desire is a shot in the arm. You are surviving on the thrill even though you know this is a sure fire way to self destruction. She and you need to realize that you are in a toxic relationship that exists only in your mind. There is no future in this fake, no basis affair and the more you continue to see her, the less likely will there be room for someone healthier to come into your life.

My friend you cannot help her. She is not your responsibility and until you let go of her, she will never be able to help herself. You can take a horse to water, but you cannot force the horse to drink. She has to learn to come out of this situation, and you have to be cruel to be kind. There is no easy way to do this. There is no easing out of this. You have to go cold turkey and throw her out of your life. It’s just like pulling off a band aid, yeah, it hurts but then its over. When it’s over, there is a deep sense of relief and calm. You can now move on and look to the future and heal. And yes, it is true, time does heal all wounds of an emotional nature. Of course, you will have the scars to show but wear these scars proudly. It’s like going to the war and fighting for freedom. The scars are the scars of war, wear them well as they are your medals of honor. Fight, fight for your freedom. Be the hero, not the hero of those soppy love stories, but the un- hailed hero who does the morally right thing in an honorable and chivalrous way for the overall good of all.

No you are not nuts at least not in the clinical psychiatrist definition. Love is a deep unexplained emotion. Our hearts are deep chasms of desire and there is a reason why Cupid is blind. Writers and poets have written reams about love, but you are not alone in your foolishness. Take heart, Mind-Boggled in Cincinatti, you will survive this blimp in your life. And if all else fails, well there is another solution to all that ales you. Yes, that was no typo! Yes, simply turn to drink and become an aimless writer. Frequent coffee shops at day where the caffeine will erase all painful memories and at night turn to the bars where the alcohol will do the trick. Further, I recommend a road trip with an equally depraved like minded group of middle aged losers. After a while when you are surrounded in the subversive proximity of your companions your troubles, and your idiosyncrasies will appear infinitely miniscule in comparison.

Let me know how it turns out.

Abby.

Incognito –Jake